That was random.....

Disclaimer:

This is another "reflection" post. Read at your own risk. ;)

~

When did my life get so HECTIC? Not in a bad way, but there hasn't been too much time to stop and smell the .... constant snow storms. Anyway. I've been meaning to update my blog with pics from Koby's baptism, snow-tubing, Koby's scout's rocket derby, our campout at Warm Springs, a visit from my cousin, New Moon GNO, etc. I still want to blog, but haven't found the time to sit down, resize all my pics, post them, add journaling, and so forth.

~

Then there's my Biggest Loser club I'm in. I can NOT seem to discipline myself! I am a total emotional eater. I LOVE food. Food comforts me. I gained TWO pounds last week and was the only one who gained. I can't seem to MAKE myself eat right. To exercise. I'm pretty LAZY when it comes to that part of my life, and I admit it. I'm super upset at myself, but I don't do anything about it. I'm going to be 300 lbs if I don't get off my tuft.

~

I AM starting to ~like~ Panguitch. The people here are the most REAL, NICE people I've met in a very long time. I don't have a TON of friends- in fact, I would much rather have ONE "real friend" than a whole slew of "fake" ones. I am much happier and find myself having a BLAST here.

~

As we were driving through St.George on our way home from our camping trip, I actually found myself annoyed at how busy it was, how everyone HAD to drive a brand new vehicle, how EVERY chic at the store was totally "done up" and fancy looking... and I thought, "man. I am SO glad I don't put that as the most important thing in my life".

~

Panguitch has humbled me. I used to think that all that mattered was adding square footage to our house in St.George. To having the most beautifully manicured lawn and landscape. To having the most "fancy" house decor- all to make me look ... I don't know.... "fancy", I suppose. To have people say, "I wish MY house was that fancy. I wish MY lawn was that green. I wish I had what she has." Well, that's totally shallow, and although I didn't realize it at the time- I was slowly drowning in it.

~

Panguitch has forced me to open my eyes and realize the TRUTH. Debt is NOT cool, fun, or fancy. Debt SUCKS. Period. We are counseled time and time again by our Church leaders to AVOID unnecessary debt. Being here for over a year has made us smarter about our money. We will now try hard to NOT go into debt for "worldly things". I don't want to teach my kids that the most important thing in life is a mansion on a hill and a Hummer in the driveway. Sure, I'd love another Hummer one day (ours was SO much fun!!)...when my kids are grown. And we have no debt. And when we are able to get one, it will be because it's FUN... not because we want to show anyone else up. But that's NOT the most important thing in life. It's been so nice to come together as a family and realize that.

~

FAMILY is the most important thing. Benji, Jordyn, Brittany, Koby, & Ryan are the MOST important things in my life. Everyone else can wait. It has been a blessing moving here. It's been a hard lesson- for me, mostly. But a good lesson. Benji and I grow stronger as a family when we are away from extended family. It forces us to rely on eachother and MAKE things work- as opposed to "running to mommy" when times get tough. I love that my kids are learning from us how life works.

~

I am doing MUCH better with the whole depression thing, but I'm not going to lie- I still have it and probably always will. The difference is that I try hard to pick my battles and to LOVE and BE THERE for my children. Hearing story after story on the news about kidnappings, car accidents, weather-related accidents, suicides.... makes me go and hug my kids that much tighter- tell them AGAIN how much I love them. Not be so quick to snap at them for little things. Life is way too short to fret over the little things.

~

I know, I know- these posts aren't the most "happy" posts, but it's critical for ME to write my feelings down. Especially if it's for posterity. I may not be the most "approachable" person on the earth, but I am a fierce friend. I may not be "that" person who is ALWAYS on the go, always doing activities with friends, BUT- I DO do things in my own, quiet way. One thing I try to teach my kids is that when you do things for others- do it QUIETLY. Don't call attention to yourself. You're not out there trying to win an award. Awards are only important to those who need the verification. Sorry, but you can't take your trophy case with you when you die. Charity is from the heart- not for the publicity. Don't get me wrong- when my kids accomplish something- we are right there to congratulate them for their hard work. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm trying to build them up so they know they're WORTH something and that they are capable of total greatness... WITHOUT it going to their head and making them total snobs. The biggest "award" you can earn is by working hard, accomplishing your goal, and knowing that you are awesome- all of it being on the INSIDE. Kids who go around flaunting their bazillions of trophies don't know what true self-worth is really about. Believe me- we have those kinds here, as well.

~

Once you start to love YOURSELF, you can love others. This has been a very hard thing for me to do- most of my life. I've ALWAYS felt unworthy. I've always felt like I didn't deserve certain things. My low self-esteem was a huge factor in the stupid choices I made growing up. As a mother, I'm trying hard to let my kids know that they are SPECIAL to me and to the Lord. It doesn't matter what others think. Others don't control our lives. But I also try hard not to SPOIL them. It's not going to help my kids if they think the world owes THEM simply for being alive. I can't stand kids who think they're above everyone else. I can't STAND snobbery. I just hope that my kids grow up to be sweet-natured, loving, charitable, and HUMBLE. I am FAR FROM the perfect mother... but I just hope that some of the little things I do will be remembered and carried on in my children's lives.

~
You probably have a headache now. Lol. You're probably saying, "Where did THAT come from?" It's not "from" anything in particular- like I said. I get a little philosophical at times, and for ME, writing things out is my therapy. Knowing that hardly anyone reads my blog is also okay, because then there won't be too many to take my posts the wrong way. ;)

~

SO. Now that I wrote all THAT out... can I just tell you how "comfortable" I am? I really am. No, Panguitch is NOT my ideal destination. But for whatever reason, I'm happy. I am working hard with what the Lord has "given" us, and I'm happy. I LOVE being a mom. I really do! I LOVE every minute of every day. Although I would like to lose a little bit of weight- I am more happy with my own self than I've been in a while. Probably because I stopped caring about what others think. :)

~

My friend Lori posted something on her blog a while ago- a post about everything "Lori". In it she put things she likes, and "who" she is... I think it would be more great therapy for me to follow her lead soon. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others. We need to love ourselves inside and out. We need to be proud of who we are, even if it's "unpopular". If we want to change something about ourselves, we need to have the courage to do so. We need to learn to LOVE who we are and where we came from. We are unique. We are special. God didn't make no crap!

Anyway. Hopefully you'll return to my blog to catch up on some of the activities we've been up to! It's been SO FUN lately, even amidst all the hectic craziness, and I'd love to share them with you. :)

~

(((HUGS))) to all you out there who take time to read my blog, email me, FB me, text me, etc. I consider you among my "true" friends. People that actually care about me and my family. It's awesome to feel the love and friendship. Thank you! :)